Highlights from Loving What Is by Byron Katie, Steven Mitchell
Highlights from this book
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Katie: Who would you be without that thought? [The fourth question: Who would you be without the thought?] Who would you be, while you’re on a conference call with your husband, if you didn’t have the ability to think that thought? Mary: I’d be much happier. I’d be more powerful. I wouldn’t be distracted. Katie: Yes, sweetheart. That’s it. It’s not his breathing that is causing your problem. It’s your thoughts about his breathing, because you haven’t investigated them to see that they oppose reality in the moment.
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Katie: “I hear that you want to talk about our plans for Hawaii, so let’s discuss this at dinner tonight. I really want you to leave the room now. I have a deadline to meet.” Mary: “If one of your girlfriends called, you would talk to her for an hour. Now you can’t listen to me for two minutes?” Katie: “You could be right, and I want you to leave the room now. It may sound cold, but it’s not. I just have a deadline to meet.” Mary: I don’t do it like that. Usually I’m mean to him. I just seethe. Katie: You have to be mean, because you’re afraid to tell the truth and say no. You don’t say, “Sweetheart, I would like you to leave. I have a deadline,” because you want something from him. What scam are you running on yourself and on him? What do you want from him?
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Step aside from all thinking, and there is nowhere you can’t go. Seng-ts’an
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The only time we suffer is when we believe a thought that argues with what is. When the mind is perfectly clear, what is is what we want. If you want reality to be different than it is, you might as well try to teach a cat to bark. You can try and try, and in the end the cat will look up at you and say, “Meow.” Wanting reality to be different than it is is hopeless. You can spend the rest of your life trying to teach a cat to bark.
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To inquire or to investigate is to put a thought or a story up against the four questions and turnaround (explained in the next chapter). Inquiry is a way to end confusion and to experience internal peace, even in a world of apparent chaos. Above all else, inquiry is about realizing that all the answers we ever need are always available inside us.
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As I said earlier, I can find only three kinds of business in the universe: mine, yours, and God’s (and for me, reality is God). Whose business are you in when you’re thinking the thought that you’ve written? When you think that someone or something other than yourself needs to change, you’re mentally out of your business.
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Where reality is concerned, there is no “what should be.” There is only what is, just the way it is, right now. The truth is prior to every story. And every story, prior to investigation, prevents us from seeing what’s true. Now I could finally inquire of every potentially uncomfortable story, “Can I absolutely know that it’s true?” And the answer, like the question, was an experience: No. I would stand rooted in that answer—solitary, peaceful, free. How could no be the right answer? Everyone I knew, and all the books, said that the answer should be yes. But I came to see that the truth is itself and will not be dictated to by anyone. In the presence of that inner no, I came to see that the world is always as it should be, whether I opposed it or not. And I came to embrace reality with all my heart. I love the world, without any conditions.
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If, for example, your statement was “He lied to me,” one turnaround would be “I lied to him.” Now you list as many of your lies as you can remember and report them to that person, never in any way mentioning his lies to you. His lies are his business. You are doing this for your own freedom. Humility is the true resting place.
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No one can hurt me—that’s my job.
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Gary: I’m angry at Frank because he is incompetent when he works for me. Katie: Okay. “Frank should be competent”—is it true? Gary: I think so. Katie: Can you absolutely know that it’s true? Who ever told you that? His résumé said competent. His recommendation said competent. It’s all over the place. You hire him, and he’s supposed to be competent. What’s the reality of it in your experience? Is he? Gary: In my experience, he’s not. Katie: So that’s the only place you can sanely come from—reality. Is it true that he should be competent? No. He’s not. That’s it. That’s your reality. So we can keep going over this until we get the “Is it true?” thing, because when you understand this, you become a lover of reality and move into balance. How do you react when you believe the lie that he should be competent when he works for you, and he’s not? Gary: It’s frustrating and anxiety-producing. I feel like I have to carry his work. I have to clean up behind him every time. I can’t leave him alone to do his work. Katie: Can you see a reason to drop the thought that he should be competent? And I’m not asking you to drop it. Gary: It would make me feel better if I could drop it. Katie: That’s a very good reason. Can you find one stress-free reason to keep this thought that opposes reality? Gary: Yes. Well, I don’t see what you mean by “opposes reality.” Katie: The reality, as you see it, is that he’s not competent. You’re saying he should be. That theory is not working for you, because it opposes reality. I hear you say that it causes you frustration and anxiety. Gary: Okay, I think I’m pulling this apart. The reality is that he’s just not competent. What’s making me crazy is thinking he’s supposed to be, rather than just accepting it. Katie: He’s incompetent whether you accept it or not. Reality doesn’t wait for our agreement or approval. It is what it is. You can count on it. Gary: Reality is what is.
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Katie: So give me one good reason to hold on to the mythology that he’s supposed to bail you out, when the truth is that he hasn’t. Marty: For him, it would be a little bit more than lunch money. Katie: That’s a good one! What I discovered right away was that there were only three kinds of business in the universe—mine, yours, and God’s. And if you don’t use the G-word, put the word nature there or reality. So this is a test of discernment. Whose business is his money? Marty: His business. Katie: That’s it. Marty: I’m making it my business. That’s what hurts. Katie: Yes. Now here’s what I noticed. When I mentally go into your business, I start getting this stress inside me. Doctors call it names like ulcers, high blood pressure, cancer … all of it. And then the mind attaches to that, and it creates a whole system to hold up the first lie. Let your feelings tell you when the first lie begins. Then inquire. Otherwise, you get lost in the feelings and in the stories that lead to them, and all you know is that you hurt and that your mind won’t stop racing. And if you inquire, you catch the first lie through noticing your feelings. And you can just stop the mind by putting the story you’re attached to on paper. There’s a portion of your stressful mind stopped, even though it may still be screaming in your head. Now put the statements up against inquiry, ask the four questions, and turn your statements around. That’s it. You’re the one who sets yourself free, not your uncle. You bail yourself out, or you’re not going to get bailed out—haven’t you noticed?
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The fear of not being fearful is one of the biggest stumbling blocks for people beginning inquiry. They believe that without stress, without anger, they wouldn’t act, they would just sit around with drool running down their chins. Whoever left the impression that peace isn’t active has never known peace the way I know it. I am entirely motivated without anger. The truth sets us free, and freedom acts.
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When I take people to the desert, they may see a tin can lying under a cactus and say, “How can anyone do that to this beautiful desert?” But that tin can is the desert. It’s what is. How can it be out of place? The cactus, the snakes, the scorpions, the sand, the can, and us—all of it. That is nature, not a mental image of the desert without the can. Without any stress or judgment, I notice that I just pick up the can. Or I could tell the story that people are polluting the earth, and that there is no end to human selfishness and greed, and then pick up the can with all the sadness and anger I’d be feeling. Either way, when it’s time for the can to move, I notice that I’m there, as nature, picking up the can. Who would I be without my uninvestigated story? Just happily picking up the can. And if someone notices me picking it up, and my action seems right, they may pick up another can. We’re already acting as a community, beyond anything that we’ve planned. Without a story, without an enemy, action is spontaneous, clear, and infinitely kind.
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Katie: If we don’t suffer, we won’t care: What a thought! How do you react when you think the thought that stress is caring, that fear is caring? How do we react when we believe that thought? We become the champions of suffering. But only for a good cause. Only in the name of humanity. We sacrifice our lives to suffering.
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Katie: Stop hurting and destroying yourself, in the name of cleaning up the planet. “When the planet is cleaned up, then I’ll be peaceful.” Does that make sense? Your pain—is that how we’re going to clean up the planet? Do you think that if you hurt enough, if you suffer enough, someone will hear you and do something about it? Margaret: Okay. I see it. I need to start making a difference. And I need to start respecting my life. Katie: Yes, yours. It’s a beginning. Margaret: So I need to start respecting my own life.
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Would you rather be right or free?
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When I argue with reality, I lose—but only 100 percent of the time.
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Becky [frightened, not looking at me]: There’s a monster under my bed. Katie: “There’s a monster under your bed”—sweetheart, is that true? Becky: Yes. Katie: Sweetheart, look at me. Can you absolutely know that that’s true? Becky: Yes. Katie: Give me your proof. Have you ever seen the monster? Becky [beginning to smile]: Yes. Katie: Is that true? Becky: Yes. Now the child is beginning to laugh and warm up to the questions, beginning to trust that I’m not going to force her to believe or not to believe, and we can have fun with this monster of hers. Eventually, the monster has a personality, and before the end of the session, I’ll ask the child to close her eyes, talk to the monster face-to-face, and let the monster tell her what he’s doing under the bed and what he really wants from her. I’ll ask her just to let the monster talk, and to tell me what the monster said.
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“I don’t know” is my favorite position.
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Underlying Belief: My life should have a purpose. Is it true? Yes. Can I absolutely know that it’s true? No. How do I react when I think the thought? I feel fear, because I don’t know what my purpose is, and I think I should know. I feel stress in my chest and head. I may snap at my husband and children, and this eventually takes me to the refrigerator and the television in my bedroom, often for hours or days. I feel as if I’m wasting my life. I think that what I actually do is unimportant and that I need to do something big. This is stressful and confusing. When I believe this thought, I feel great internal pressure to complete my purpose before I die. Since I can’t know when that is, I think that I have to quickly accomplish this purpose (which I don’t have a clue about). I feel a sense of stupidity and failure, and this leaves me depressed. Who would I be without the belief that my life should have a purpose? I have no way of knowing. I know I’m more peaceful without it, less crazed. I would settle for that! Without the fear and stress around this thought, maybe I’d be freed and energized enough to be happy just doing the thing in front of me. The turnaround: My life should not have a purpose. That would mean that what I’ve lived has always been enough, and I just haven’t recognized it. Maybe my life shouldn’t have a purpose other than what it is. That feels odd, yet it somehow rings truer. Could it be that my life as it’s already lived is the purpose? That seems a lot less stressful.
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Ruth: I don’t ever want to panic over money in the stock market again. Katie: “I’m willing …” Ruth: I’m willing to panic over money in the stock market. Katie: “I look forward to …” It could happen. Ruth [laughing]: I look forward to panicking over money in the stock market. Katie: Yes, because that will put you back into The Work. Ruth: That’s where I want to be. Katie: That’s the purpose of stress. It’s a friend. It’s an alarm clock, built in to let you know that it’s time to do The Work. You’ve simply lost the awareness that you’re free. So you investigate, and you return to what you are. This is what’s waiting to be recognized, what is always real.